Rick Warren - Seven (7) ways to Handle Conflict and Restore Broken Relationships
Conflict never resolves itself. Time doesn't heal all wounds as popularly said.
We never change until our love or the pain exceeds our fear. The starting point is to say "God fill me with your love"; because perfect love casts out all fear.
1. Make the first move: The only way to resolve a conflict is to face it
2. Ask God for wisdom: (never have conflict resolution while you're in bed or tired)
3. Begin with what's your fault: Don't start with accusations towards the other person about what they did wrong or the fact that you are hurt. Even though the other person may be 99.9% wrong, you can find something you did wrong to use to start the conversation.
First look at what's going on inside you. The first cause of conflict is self centeredness regarding what's going on inside of you. If I'm filled with peace/love almost nothing upsets me. If I'm filled with me/ego/pride/self centeredness almost anything can tick me off.
The real source of conflict is not all those jerks you work with because if you were filled with peace they wouldn't bother you. The first cause of conflict is self centeredness when my must-have wants bump up against your must have wants….we got a problem. James 4:1
When I'm at peace inside, what's going on outside can't upset me. Though you may disagree you won't get distressed. You are distressed by what's going on inside you because of your response to what's going on around outside you. The number one reason given for divorce is incompatibility but nobody is compatible because we are all different nobody is exactly like you.
It's always more rewarding to resolve a conflict than to dissolve a relationship. It's not incompatibility that causes a marriage to die, it's inflexibility. Proverbs 13:10
Sentence that will break a logjam in any argument is - ’’I'm sorry I was only thinking about myself.‘’
When seeking to resolve conflict, ask yourself if you've been unrealistic, insensitive, ungrateful, over-demanding
4. Listen for their needs, hurt and perspective: It's not ideas that cause conflict but the emotions behind the idea. Hurting people hurt others. The people who are most irritating are those who need massive doses of love. You need to know the hurt that caused specific people to hurt you.
Be quick to listen and slow to speak. It will make you slow in getting angry.
The key to diffusing conflict is to always listen before speaking. Listen to the emotions behind the words. Someone can say they are fine when you ask them but they are pissed off. Listen twice as much as you speak. Philipians 4v15.
You're most like Jesus when you're focusing on the needs of someone else other than yourself. Seek to understand before seeking to be understood. SCOPUS - Try to learn the background and circumstances of the person you're in conflict with so as to understand why they behave like they do. Stop looking at how far people have to go but start looking at how far they have come (Romans 15v2). You will be more compassionate for someone when you look at/consider the fears driving them.
5. Speak the truth tactfully: Use love and kindness when speaking the truth. Telling it like it is, is being rude.
It's not just what you say but how you say it. If you say the truth offensively it will be received that way.
The moment you start yelling at your kids for example, they won't listen to a word you say but only remember the emotion.
You are never persuasive when you are abrasive. You never get your point across by being cross.
Truth without love is resisted but truth with love is received Proverbs (12v18)
Establish ground rules before entering relationship with your spouse & select some words together and class them as off limits to be used during inevitable conflicts that will arise. Words which you or your spouse could use that would trigger you to rage & vice versa e.g the threat of divorce ("well I'll get a divorce then." Lock the escape hatch of your marriage and throw the key away with the resolve that "we're going to make this marriage work if it kills us" (God forbid).
During the cold war between the Soviet Union and the United States of America both sides atreed that some weapons were off limits. They called them WMDs (weapons of mass destruction)
Both sides new that ise of WMD s would ensure MAD (mutually assured destruction) and that it would be over for the world if they dropped atomic bombs. You need to ban the weapons of mass destruction from your marriage.Make a list of words that are off limits amd atree that though you may be so mad at each and so upset with each other but you're just not going to use those words.
6. Fix the problem not the blame: Learn to attack the issue not each other. You need to realize that you're both on the same team. Anytime you're busy fixing the blame, you're wasting time not fixing the problem. BLAME is really spelt as Be - Lame
Collosians 3:8 gives a list of these WMDs
Never try to intimidate anybody with anger/making threats
Malice means you say things that are intentionally meant to hurt e.g "you're just like your mother" or labelling of belittling or psychologysing by saying things like oh now I know why you did that
Slander simply means insults.
7. Focus on reconciliation not resolution: reconciliation means reestablishing the relationship by burying the hatchet it doesn't mean we get back together if its an ex it just means we don't hold onto any hurt but make peace. Resolution means we resolve every disagreement this is unfeasible. There are some things in your marriage and friendships with other people that you're just not going to agree on because we are all different but you can disagree without being disagreeable. That's called wisdom, that's called maturity, that's called christlikeness. We can have unity without uniformity we can walk hand in hand without seeing eye to eye. Kate (his wife) and I don't agree on a lot of things but we're coming up to our 40th year of marriage.
My challenge to you as your pastor who loves you, is that you become an agent of reconciliation in a world that's filled with conflict. That you will become a bridge builder not a wall builder that you will look for ways to bring people together not tear them up (2Corinthians 5:18-20 God's Word Version)
Be at peace with God and seek to make and promote peace with fellow humans. God bleses those who are peacemakers amd calls them children of God.
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