Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (1992) is a book written by American author and relationship counselor John Gray, after he had earned degrees in meditation and taken a correspondence course in psychology.
The book states that most common relationship problems between men and women are a result of fundamental psychological differences between the sexes, which the author exemplifies by means of its eponymous metaphor: that men and women are from distinct planets—men from Mars and women from Venus—and that each sex is acclimated to its own planet's society and customs, but not to those of the other.
One example is men's complaint that if they offer solutions to problems that women bring up in conversation, the women are not necessarily interested in solving those problems, but mainly want to talk about them.
The book asserts each sex can be understood in terms of distinct ways they respond to stress and stressful situations.
Gray writes how men and women each monitor the amount of give and take in relationships.
If the balance shifts, one person feeling they have given more than they have received, resentment can develop. This is a time when only communication can help to bring the relationship back into balance.
Gray further asserts men and women view giving and receiving love differently, how individual actions intended as loving expressions are "tallied up."
According to Gray, women and men are often surprised to find their partners "keep score" at all, or that their scoring methods widely differ.
He says women use a points system which few men are aware of. Each individual act of love gets one point, regardless of magnitude. Men, on the other hand, assign small acts, small expenditures, fewer points.
Larger blocks of points (20, 30, 40 points, etc.) go to what they consider bigger expenditures. To a woman, the emotional stroke delivered by sincere attention is inseparable from the act.
The different perception of expenditure can lead to conflict when the man thinks his work has earned him, say, 20 points and deserves corresponding recognition, while the woman has assigned him only 1 point and recognizes him accordingly.
The man tends to think he can do one Big Thing for her (scoring 50 points) and not do much else, assuming he has "banked" points and can afford to "coast."
The woman should be satisfied with his performance and give him credit for it. Instead, the woman would rather have many little things done for her on a regular basis, because women like to think their men are thinking of them and care for them more constantly.
Gray clarifies how these two perceptions of "strokes" cause conflict. He encourages talking about these issues openly.
Another major idea put forth in Gray's book regards the difference in the way the genders react to stress. Gray states when male tolerance to stressful situations is exceeded, they withdraw temporarily, "retreating into their cave", so to speak.
Often, they literally retreat: for example, to the garage, or to go spend time with friends. In their "caves", men (writes Gray) are not necessarily focused on the problem at hand.
Yet this "time-out" lets them distance themselves from the problem and relax, allowing them to re-examine the problem later from a fresh perspective.
Gray holds that male retreat into the cave has historically been hard for women to understand.
When women become unduly stressed, their natural reaction is to talk with someone close about it (even if talking doesn't provide a solution to the problem at hand).
This sets up a natural dynamic where the man retreats as the woman tries to get closer, which becomes a major source of conflict between them.
The "wave" is a term Gray uses to describe a natural dynamic centered around a woman's ability to give to other people.
He writes when she feels full of love and energy to give to others, her wave is stable. When she gives of herself, but doesn't receive adequate love and attention in return, her wave becomes unbalanced, cresting and eventually crashing.
Then, a woman needs the attention, listening, understanding, and reassurance of those around her—as well as self-love.
Gray explains that once she is rejuvenated by getting the support she needs, her wave is able to build and rise once again, with renewed love and energy to give.
Men, advises Gray, should support this natural cycle by not being threatened by it or telling her why she should not feel the way a woman feels.
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