The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman is a book that sets forth what it describes as seven principles that can guide toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship. The book attempts to debunk a number of what it describes as myths about marriages and why they fail. The seven principles Gottman sets out are for the partners to enhance their love maps; nurture fondness and admiration; turn toward each other instead of away; let their partner influence them; solve their solvable problems; overcome gridlock; and create shared meaning. The book was included in the Comprehensive Soldier fitness program.
Principles
Enhancing love maps
A "love map" is that part of one's brain where one stores all the relevant information about one's spouse's life, such as their worries, hopes, and goals in life; their history; and the facts and feelings of their world. According to Gottman, happily married couples use their love maps to express not only their understanding of each other, but their fondness and admiration as well.
Nurturing fondness and admiration
Nurturing fondness and admiration involves meditating a bit on one's partner and what makes one cherish him or her. Exercises the book suggests for doing this include, among other things, thinking about incidents that illustrate characteristics one appreciates in one's partner; talking about the happy events of the past; and completing a 49-item "Seven-Week Course in Fondness and Admiration".
Turning toward each other
Turning toward each other means connecting with one's spouse; being there for each other during the minor events in each other's lives; and responding favorably to one's spouse's bids for attention, affection, humor or support.
Accepting influence
Accepting influence means sharing power; making one's spouse a partner in one's decision making by taking their opinions and feelings into account.
Solving solvable problems
Gottman's
model for conflict resolution involves softening the startup (i.e. leading off
of the discussion without criticism or contempt, making a straightforward
comment about a concern and expressing one's need in a positive fashion);
learning to make and receive repair attempts (statements or actions that
prevent negativity from escalating out of control; efforts the couple makes to
deescalate the tension during a touchy discussion); soothing oneself and one's
partner; compromising; and being tolerant of each other's faults.
Overcoming gridlock
According
to Gottman, gridlock occurs when a conflict makes one feel rejected by one's
partner; they keep talking about it but make no headway; they become entrenched
in their positions and are unwilling to budge; when they discuss the subject,
they end up feeling more frustrated and hurt; their conversations about the
problem are devoid of humor, amusement, or affection; they become even more
unbudgeable over time, which leads them to vilify each other during these
conversations; this vilification makes one all the more rooted in one's
position and polarized, more extreme in one's view, and all the less willing to
compromise; and eventually they disengage from each other emotionally.
Gottman
argues that no matter how entrenched in gridlock a couple is, all that they
need in order to get out of it is motivation and a willingness to explore the
hidden issues that are really causing the gridlock.
Creating shared meaning
Gottman
describes shared meaning as a spiritual dimension to marriage that has to do
with creating an inner life together — a culture rich with symbols and rituals,
and an appreciation for the spouses' roles and goals that link them, that lead
them to understand what it means to be a part of the family they have become.
According to Gottman, when a marriage has a shared sense of meaning, conflict
is much less intense and perpetual problems are less likely to lead to
gridlock.
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