Luke 14: 28-32
A survey I carried out and sent to different nations of the world was in order for me to find out the answer to three questions;
1 When you got married can you say looking back now that you were prepared for marriage? Over 80% said NO. They went into marriage because they thought they were adult/rich/knew enough.
But when they got into marriage they realized they didn’t understand what they were going into.
2 If you have an opportunity to marry again, will you marry the same person? Over 80% of respondents said NO they will marry someone else. So that means over 80% of people in marriage are enduring instead of enjoying it.
They are looking for an escape route, hoping their spouse will go out in the morning and not return.
3 How long have you been married? It was discovered from survey results that many of the people who said they would not marry the same person again if given the opportunity were less than 5 years in marriage.
Meanwhile, those who said they would had been together for 10 to 15 years and had come to realize the value of the person they have married beyond the emotions of the early stages of marriage.
But, one thing that became very clear is the fact that in the world today, many people go into marriage without even having a clue about what they’re going to do. A lot of people don’t prepare for marriage.
A conference like this is not just for singles but the whole Church so that as a parent, you know the responsibility you have.
Because, one of the things beginning to happen in our world today is that a lot of grandparents are going back into parenting because they have raised children that have gone into marriage and have come out of marriage.
So now they have grandchildren they have to take care of because their sons and daughters have come out of marriage because they wanted the emotional joy of marriage but were not ready to do the hard work of marriage.
Now we have grandparents that are supposed to be resting; paying school fees for their sons and daughters, taking care of their grandchildren because they raised their sons and daughters without giving them the tools that are required to survive in this world.
It will amaze you how many people in different altars, halls etc. are signing the dotted line saying I do without having a clue what they are going to do. They stand before the altar and answer I do but what is going through their minds is that the cleric should hurry up so they and their spouse can go and have sex.
They don’t realize that the very minute they say I do, a lot of things change. Before you say I do there are some things that must be in place and if they are not in place don’t “do.” It is better to be single hoping to be married than to be married and frustrated hoping to be single again.
As a woman once you say I do, your name changes. Your address will also change (most of the time). As a matter of fact once you say I do, you go into a subordinate position. You will labor for the money but somebody will tell you how to spend it because you said I do.
The very minute you say I do, while you are thinking of work you should be thinking of food. You left home with your husband in the morning, you came back home with him in the evening and as you enter the house the next thing he will say is “Honey what are we eating?”
And you’re like hello? We went out together, do you want me to cook in the office? If you say I do it means before you left home in the morning, you must bring something out of the freezer. So immediately you come in you’re like I’m just going to prepare this give me 10 minutes.’
But many people say I do without having a clue what they’re going to do and when they get the demand that comes with saying “I do” trouble starts.
As a man the very minute you say I do, many things change. You can no longer eat anyhow, anywhere. Even if the food you used to eat was very powerful, when you say I do and the guys say “let’s go to xyz place and eat” you say “sorry I’m going home, because somebody is cooking for me there.”
Even if the food at home is a burnt offering or an over salted meal you have to go back to eat it. And as a man, the very minute you say I do, you must become a strategic liar. Because even when the food is not sweet you have to be tactful when your wife asks how it is.
As soon as you say I do as a man, you have to be ready to labor and have other people harvest the benefits. You have to buy clothes, pay school fees etc.
And a woman remembers special days like Easter, birthdays, anniversaries, mother’s day and expects gifts on those days. Once you have a woman in your life, be careful how much you spend on gifts for her because no matter what you buy for a woman it carries the same weight in her emotional bank account.
If you buy a woman a brand new car and a pair of shoes, it’s the same thing to her. So on another special day she will expect something and you should not assume that a large gift previously bought, covers all other special days she is celebrating. Best to spread the gift money in installments.
Before you say I do you have to be careful. As a man once you say I do, you don’t say “it’s late so I’ll sleep over in my friend John’s house.” You have to return to your matrimonial home even if it’s 2am.
Before you say I do, there are 7 things that must be in place;
1 You must understand marriage: Because if you don’t understand marriage your life will end up as a mirage. What is marriage? Let me define what marriage is and if you don’t agree with this definition, don’t bother to marry. Because if you don’t learn by revelation you will learn by experience.
Marriage is a covenant commitment to love an imperfect person unconditionally for the rest of your life.
1 It’s not just an agreement but a covenant
2 It’s a commitment: like being committed to prison or to blessing. It is like the ark of Noah with only one door that is locked from the outside.
3 Love is not a feeling but it is a choice and commitment that you make. Feelings come and go but the commitment must stay. Love is agape (God’s kind of love), Eros (love that has to do with passion), Philio (Love that has to do with reciprocity), Storge (Love that has to do with bloodline). In order for marriage to be marriage all the four loves must be in place.
So when you go through marriage there will come a time when the challenges of life hit you, what keeps you going is “this is my brother, this is my sister I cannot disappoint them.”
Not because they are doing any thing good but because you have made a commitment to stay through thick and thin. When you stay committed despite the feeling not being there which happens in marriage from time to time), the feeling will come back.
Because there are times in marriage when you don’t feel like being near your spouse but that doesn’t mean you don’t love them, but just that you need your space.
There are times your children also come but you don’t want to engage with them as you need your space.
But guess what? many people destroy their marriages because the feeling is no longer there and then a few days later the feeling returns. Love is a commitment you make and say – “I have chosen you and that’s it.”
There is no perfect man or woman out there. We are all actors and actresses and our clothes are our costumes.
A lot of people get into trouble in Church because they marry people based on what they see.
By the time you come out of Church and relate with the person, you realize this is a packaged poison or packaged terrorist. When a terrorist wears suit and tie and shaves clean, you can’t see terrorism in their face but when they get home it’s a different story of domestic abuse manifested.
Likewise some women are so well dressed and neat but by the time they speak and say “excuse me put the bible aside”, you realize that you have married trouble.
Don’t ever marry someone based on what you see on the outside alone. Nobody is perfect every body is a work in progress.
So when you get involved with them, you need to know that what you get is what you get. It’s all in the package. So whatever is the good, bad and ugly in their past, present and future, you enroll for it.
If there’s a demon in their bloodline you both have to fight it together, if there’s blessing there you carry it as well.
If there’s a nasty attitude or character, or terrible issue of rape and molestation, you carry it. So don’t fool yourself when you are going into marriage – two of you will now begin to work toward perfection.
Marriage is like an empty glass, a vacuum, the quality of the marriage is determined by the quality of the people in it. It is not good or bad, it is just constant.
If two lovely people get married you have a lovely marriage, if two nasty people, a nasty marriage, two angry people- an angry marriage, two poor people, a poor marriage and so on.
Many of the things you see are fake and artificial. A lot of people get frustrated because they get hooked by lust from the person’s packaging and then when they see the real thing after getting to the marriage home.
The woman or man you wake up to in the morning is not going to be as packaged with nice clothes, smell etc. as you see them during the day. The question then is can you handle that?
Marriage is the only institution where there is no graduation. You are forever learning, never coming to the knowledge of the truth.
When you think you know your spouse they will bring out another color. Marriage is the only institution where people expect you to succeed at what you have not been trained for.
Lawyers go to law school, doctors go to medical school but for marriage there is no school. Everyone just thinks that because they are adults they can handle marriage and then, they go and face trouble.
Marriage is the only institution where you collect your certificate on the day of resumption. Every other school you go for lectures, do tests, exams before getting it.
But in marriage, from day one the learning begins. The certificate is given in faith for you to go and prove yourself.
No man on earth can marry one woman - Every man in his lifetime will marry at least six women who will come out of the one woman he married at the altar.
A woman changes every 5 years but many men think it’s the same woman and when the first new woman shows up out of the lady they married; they are confused.
They say things like “This is not the woman I married, you were not doing things like this before” They fail to realize when they married her she was 28 for example, but now she’s 35.
What used to matter to her before matters no more. What used to mean something to her means nothing now.
What she was expecting to happen for her in 5 years hasn’t and it’s now 8 years and she is frustrated because she has seen other people married the same time as her and have crossed over to comfort but she’s still on the other side of comfort.
And, all the men she said no to have all gone ahead of you and she’s wondering whether she should have chosen you.
When you marry a woman in her 20s and she becomes pregnant, she’s now a different woman because out of her will come forth a mother.
Then crisis may begin because she used to be a wife alone to you but now she is a wife to you and a mother to someone else so now you have to begin to contend for attention.
Sometimes you will be deprived of what you feel is your right and wonder if she doesn’t love you anymore.
But all that has happened is she is now a mother and many men at this point don’t know how to handle this shift and problems begin from here.
So if you’re ever going to say I do, you must understand marriage.
Prayers
1 Lord give me wisdom that I may live
2 Lord let your grace rest on me
3 Lord grant me your favor
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